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Jennifer is starting to confuse me. I still see her one or two nights… - My journal in exile [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
John Bell

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[Apr. 19th, 1992|02:17 am]
John Bell
Jennifer is starting to confuse me. I still see her one or two nights a week, and she and Vivianne are blissfully ignorant of each other. The sex, though, is strange. It's automatic and emotionless. The passion I have with Vivianne is replaced by rote, by-the-numbers fucking.

Tonight, she started asking me all these getting-to-know-you-better questions. I wonder if she read them in a Cosmo quiz, or something. If I found an abandoned kitten, what would I do? Shit like that. I told her, though, about Muzzy, and how Allie found her in Michigan that summer. Then, she started asking me all about Allie, and I hemmed up. I don't want to have my American life bleed over into my new European life.

It's painful, but I live here now. Even if I ever wanted to go back to the US, I can't. I don't have an alibi, and I definitely had a motive to kill my father and Susie. It's all that bitch Sarah's fault. If she knew how to be a mother, Allie wouldn't have been so fucked up. If she hadn't dumped my father, he wouldn't have met Susie, and I might've killed Sarah instead of her (and I wouldn't feel guilty about that).

Anyway. Tonight Jennifer was asking me all these questions about Allie, and then grilling me about my sex life before I met her. It was getting annoying, so I asked her to leave (I claimed to have an upset stomach) and then stared at the wall for a while, thinking.

I'm doing that a lot, staring and thinking. What am I doing here? I should be with Vivianne; she's perfect for me. She's beautiful, has a good job and a nice apartment, seems to really care for me, and we have fun together. Jennifer is just a fuck buddy, and a great one at that. But, there's no future. She's leaving France next month, when her semester is over and was talking about me joining her for the summer.

I don't think so.